It's the last day of the year. 31st December 2014, 2.01am, just staring blankly into my laptop screen. It's almost a year since I took my time to sit and wrote down my New Year's resolutions. It's that time of the year where I'm suppose to figure out my New Year's resolution again, but, I realised, there's no point in even thinking about it when i barely completed any of my previous resolutions. I had a whole lot of downs this year, to think of it, but there were few moments where i wished to keep it forever. School really isn't for me. Neither are friends. I don't do good at both areas. I can't get myself to socialise. And when I start doing so, my anxiety just takes over my mind and destroy what I already had. I don't do good at anything to be exact. I've been living for 17 years and I still cannot figure out my life. I have chosen my career path, but it doesn't exactly seem like what I am passionate in. What am I exactly passionate about? I just can't get myself to figure out. I have interests, but not exactly passion in something. I really envy people who are really passionate in what they do, how they would go beyond boundaries to achieve something that someone once told them was impossible. I wished i could be that passionate. There's something that's bothering me so much, something holding me back, I can't figure out what it is. I can't get myself to move forward. I wished i could just let go of the heavy burden of the past off my shoulder but it seems like the wounds are too deep to heal. They say use what you have experienced as an obstacle in the learning journey in you life, but i feel as though it's just bringing me down but at the same time i can't let go of it. As days pass, i get mentally drained. I hate how I know so much, too much, it's killing me. People always think I'm lazy when I say I'm unable to do something, but really, i can't do it. Nobody thinks about the mental factor, it's always physical isn't it? Unless you're in my shoes, you'll never understand what I feel, but of course, I'm not able to express my true feelings, right? All i'm capable of is to smile off my exact emotions because why? If I were to show my real emotions, I would be deemed as unreasonable right? I wouldn't want to wish what I'm facing right now upon my worst enemy. I'm sorry if i ever did anyone wrong, i don't mean it, at all. Everyone deserves to be happy, just not me, I guess.

Haha

Who am I kidding thou? It's now august. I'm nowhere near positive, I'm nowhere near knowing my direction in life. I'm nowhere near anything. I'm a coward and my ego's as big as the empire state building. I just.. give up. I just have no motivation for life anymore. I'm done.

Ugh is an emotion, because I feel it all the time.

Okay so, it's April now, so it's the fifth month, right? Don't correct me. Okay I'm so terrible at everything, I ain't even kidding. I just want to drop everything and hide under a rock, like Patrick. Can I become Patrick? Like damn it, we're so similar. Okay guys, don't even tell me that I've not blogged for months. Why do I even still have readers on my blog? 

Anyway, school's started. What the fuck was I think when I chose Apparel Design & Merchandising? Should've listened to my dad when he told me to go to a proper business course. But hey, what are the chances I'd have a proper future if I decided to go to that course.  Hey hey surprise, I still do not have proper friends. Guys, please tell me how do I make friends. Okay, not just a friend, a close proper friend who'd be there for me. Or maybe, I just have high standard hah hah who am i kidding i'll be friends with a hobo if i could. Okay maybe not a hobo bc I've never seen one, but you get the point.

I'm currently having basic sewing and design fundamentals module currently. Not gonna complain about basic sewing but let's face it guys I'm such a pro at it, like cmon I accidentally sewed my thumb and touched an iron, a hot iron, give me my moment ok. Hahah  obviously I'm kidding, I'm not a pro but I can say that I'm okay with it. Wait, here it comes, all the h8, hate. DesFun, you don't know how much I hate you, oh right hate is a strong word, STRONGLY DESPISE you. Maybe I'd like it if I had like art background or maybe at least I could draw. I at the bottom of the chain when it comes to art. I can't draw for heaven's sake. Like oh my god. I did say i sucked at art, but I'm going to post this because I think it has a slight resemblance to me and heck yeah it's my nicest drawing so far. 

Well I think it's nice, keep it to yourself if you don't agree. HAHAH.
Okay, I promise to update this blog at least once a month, but don't quote me on that. Like who am I kidding, I can't keep promises because I'm just terrible, please refer to paragraph one to be reminded of how terrible I am. Oh god, I'm so lame, I can't stand myself. (Hah hah get it, lame, can't stand)

Okay okay, I'll go. Bye x

A new beginning, perhaps.

I know I'm suppose to start off the year being optimistic and all but I just can't. I can't get myself to do so. You can say I'm an overall happy person but I'm actually not. I honestly have no one. I have no one to talk to. My parents don't really notice anything bc of the facade I often put on. I wish I could have someone to at least talk to. I'm an introvert, I just don't know how to express myself.

2013 has it's ups and downs. I had a lot of downs that nobody knew about, simply bc I didn't know how to open up. I don't dare to open up. Whenever I try there's always this thing in my head that's stopping me. "They'll poke fun at your problems." "They'll not understand." " They don't care." These thoughts always stop me from actually doing anything. To make matters worse, all I do is bottle up all my feeling til the point I can't bottle up no more. There's series of breakdowns which cause my to self harm, which I truly regret. I was diagnosed with minor depression in 2012, nobody knew, which I'm actually fine with bc I had nobody anyway. The only friend I had, left me. I'm writing this publicly, I swear is not for attention. I merely just want to let my feelings out and this is basically all I'm able to do for myself. It's funny how I have self harm scars on my wrist but people believed my lie that I was scratched by a cat. Whatever, I should just not talk about my downs bc there are ups that may or may not have overcome my downs.

2013 has probably been my most memorable year in High School. I've graduated from High School, I was really really absolutely happy that High School has ended bc it has been one tough roller coaster ride. I've taken my O levels, and I hope I could at least make it to Poly bc I know how I've done, and it wasn't good. Sigh, to think I'm actually missing school. I'm missing my class, well just a group of people. School was one of the places I'd go to just bc it helps me to forget things I usually am unable to forget but now that school has ended I don't know what to do. I've grown close to a couple of people I never thought I'd be friends with. I love them to bits. No words could explain how much they have helped me thru my last year in High School even if they didn't realise it. I doubt you'll ever read this but you know who you are, thank you. Though sometimes you guys are really a pain in the butt but nonetheless.

It's 2014. As cliche as it sounds but I'm going to say it anyway. A brand new year, a brand new me. I have to start having more courage. I have to stop being lazy. I have to find myself. Who am I exactly? What do I wanna do? I don't know. Precisely, that's why I need the courage. I need to find what i exactly want and give all I can to strive. I might have said this every year, but I actually feel like I mean it this time. I had a pep talk with my brother and for once he did give me sensible advice, it really woke me up if that makes sense. I have to stop doing things halfheartedly and give my all. I don't know where I'm going in the blog post and that's what I have to fix myself on. I have to know what i exactly want and that's all I want to achieve by the end on 2014.

To my future self: I hoped you have achieved what you wanted, I believe in you.

Follow me on Bloglovin'! x

First.

Hello there good lookin'

It took me quite sometime to figure out what picture I wanted to use and what words I wanted to type in. I'm still pretty unsure of what to write. I'm just gonna go with it and hope for the beeest.

So, let's start off with and introduction, (name, age, yada yada... I promise to make it as interesting as I can!). Well, my name's Nabilah in full, but my friends call me Nab or more of Nab Nab bc they think it'd be funny to start off with, and the name kinda stayed. I can't deny, I quite like that name, it relates to my so called obsession of the alien from Toy Story. The green, three eyed, little green man that goes " The ClaaAAaaawWWwwW!". Yup, I can't explain my obsession either. But man do i go bonkers when I see items of them sold anywhere in Singapore, which is very very rare. And, I am sixteen years of age. :-)

Moving on, I decided to make my own blog bc I was inspired by British bloggers (eg. Zoella , Louise ...) and also for my undying love for fashion and make up. Is undying love even a proper phrase? I've always loved fashion and make up, I don't really know how to explain myself. It was as if love a first sight. However, I felt pretty bummed bc I rarely found fashion blogs that cater to plus size, like me. I mean there are, but I think the community needs more. Don't get me wrong, but I hope to be someone's inspiration one day, don't you? I'm setting up this blog to talk about everything life, fashion, beauty related.

I'm sorry if my English is that too great but I'm working on it at making less mistakes. Hope the introduction of myself somehow attracted you to keep reading on. :-)

Stay fabulous, xx