2013 has it's ups and downs. I had a lot of downs that nobody knew about, simply bc I didn't know how to open up. I don't dare to open up. Whenever I try there's always this thing in my head that's stopping me. "They'll poke fun at your problems." "They'll not understand." " They don't care." These thoughts always stop me from actually doing anything. To make matters worse, all I do is bottle up all my feeling til the point I can't bottle up no more. There's series of breakdowns which cause my to self harm, which I truly regret. I was diagnosed with minor depression in 2012, nobody knew, which I'm actually fine with bc I had nobody anyway. The only friend I had, left me. I'm writing this publicly, I swear is not for attention. I merely just want to let my feelings out and this is basically all I'm able to do for myself. It's funny how I have self harm scars on my wrist but people believed my lie that I was scratched by a cat. Whatever, I should just not talk about my downs bc there are ups that may or may not have overcome my downs.
2013 has probably been my most memorable year in High School. I've graduated from High School, I was really really absolutely happy that High School has ended bc it has been one tough roller coaster ride. I've taken my O levels, and I hope I could at least make it to Poly bc I know how I've done, and it wasn't good. Sigh, to think I'm actually missing school. I'm missing my class, well just a group of people. School was one of the places I'd go to just bc it helps me to forget things I usually am unable to forget but now that school has ended I don't know what to do. I've grown close to a couple of people I never thought I'd be friends with. I love them to bits. No words could explain how much they have helped me thru my last year in High School even if they didn't realise it. I doubt you'll ever read this but you know who you are, thank you. Though sometimes you guys are really a pain in the butt but nonetheless.
It's 2014. As cliche as it sounds but I'm going to say it anyway. A brand new year, a brand new me. I have to start having more courage. I have to stop being lazy. I have to find myself. Who am I exactly? What do I wanna do? I don't know. Precisely, that's why I need the courage. I need to find what i exactly want and give all I can to strive. I might have said this every year, but I actually feel like I mean it this time. I had a pep talk with my brother and for once he did give me sensible advice, it really woke me up if that makes sense. I have to stop doing things halfheartedly and give my all. I don't know where I'm going in the blog post and that's what I have to fix myself on. I have to know what i exactly want and that's all I want to achieve by the end on 2014.
To my future self: I hoped you have achieved what you wanted, I believe in you.
Great post and very honest I myself have suffered from depression and I feel on low times you can still fall back into that dark place but it seems to me you are getting yourself back on your feet and hopefully 2014 will be a much better year for you! :) I don't have much friends either tbh I have my long term partner but then again I don't really go out much as I am normally really busy with work and study :D anyway I hope your feeling a little better and I would say to stick at your blog and maybe get to know/meet other bloggers and making a hobby out of something you enjoy I feel it really helps me and helps with confidence and boredom and keeping yourself busy! xx
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